Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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