i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
