When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
