I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize