Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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