I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
as a side note pls kill me
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
