3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
