no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
