I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
