I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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