when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
