I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We need a shit load of segways right now
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
you never un-have a 4some
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
