The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
