Pants 0. Shit 1.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
