I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Operation Purity has been aborted
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
