I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We don't watch enough power rangers
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
