i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
