She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
