That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
