just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
