Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize