Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
