My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
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