Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
