i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
