please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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