im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
