i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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