my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
