FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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