D3 body, D1 cock
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
