im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
