I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize