please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
