it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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