He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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