I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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