is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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