I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
