Betty ford says i'm here all night
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I want a musical about memes.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
