I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
