I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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