Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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