I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
