i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
