Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
