Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
