So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
