I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
