She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
