I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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