I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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