You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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