He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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