Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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