I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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