she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
