the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
