She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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