first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
