Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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